My Brief Testimony
I find this ironic. Summaries are usually fairly short. But just like Thomas Aquinas’s Summa Theologica, this is more than a brief summary.
I was born and raised in a Catholic home. Baptized as an infant, and went through the Catholic “first communion” and “reconciliation”. Around 6th or 7th grade, I hit a wall. I was lost in the stress of break-ups, family deaths, and constant ridicule. I was known as the “geek” or, more generally, “weirdo”. I have always been really skinny, and really tall. Still am. When that wall hit, I found no way around. So, I looked to suicide.
I had it all planned out in my head. I was going to stab myself while on the edge of my window and fall two stories. There was seemingly nothing that would stop me. I can imagine that moment now. I wanted to cry, but my body didn’t care enough to cry. Just as I was about to do it, the phone rang. I thought, “why not just one last call?” I picked it up and an angel (sounding like a friend, but subsequent testimonies revealed that no human called me that day) said, “HI TOMMY! I love you!!” she wanted to hang out. But I said I couldn’t, hung up, and began bawling. I couldn’t imagine making that happy voice sound sad. I never again got that close to attempting suicide, although I had thought about all the time.
I continued in my depression. There was an emptiness in me. I looked to dating, and, in effect, lust to fill that emptiness. One of the most memorable girlfriends was Jane (name has been changed to respect her privacy).
She was a Wiccan and well into drugs, alcohol and sex. She introduced me to the feelings of sexual relations (we never had vaginal sex) and the world beyond my dominantly Catholic and Greek Orthodox family. I began to develop my own doubts of the beliefs I’d been forced into and had never really lived. I declared myself atheist and simply questioned everything. I recall some of my first doubts were “If God exists, then He wouldn’t make church so boring and put me to sleep” and (while in mass) “Everyone here is heartless and brainwashed.” I wasn’t truly happy. I was lustfully infatuated with the grip of sexual desire, and rebellious lifestyle. In addition, I grew more and more intrigued with science, since it supposedly disproved religion in every sense.
Demons started plaguing me a few weeks before Jane and I started dating. I saw them, I felt them, I heard them. I was terrified to the point of immobility. I was horrified 24/7 that one would attack me. This led to my longing to cut myself. I’d done it a few times, but I never cut deep. There are virtually no scars now, except when my body temperature goes up (fever or summer). You can see a few minuscule red lines.
I also tried weed twice and loved the rush of it, but even then, decided it wasn’t exactly for me although I sincerely enjoyed the rush of the moment.
Soon, Jane and I broke up. I heard a rumor that she cheated on me, but it was a lie and I lived the next 2 and a half years thinking I was cheated on.
I was confused. I didn’t know what to do.
My best friend, Aaron, invited me to his youth group, to which I had been a few times before I dated Jane.
I decided to go. I knew nothing else.
During the worship service, I was relatively still and quiet. But I watched two faithful young women raise their hands in worship and sing with passion. I was captivated by their faith. “Is there something more to this? Surely, someone wouldn’t raise their hands and passion for just anyone.”
Thus, began my research. I didn’t want to fool myself into a lie. In fact, I kind of tried to prove the whole concept illogical and ignorant. I wanted to be able to tackle the Christians’ best arguments. I obtained the most objective books I could find And read.
Nothing could be more real than someone so intertwined in their work that a skeptic comes to believe despite what he had previously known.
I slowly started believing in the possibility of a deity. In a way, I guess you could say I was agnostic, although I never claimed to be so. While I was agnostic, I was invited to the youth group’s second retreat. I thought “Sure, maybe I’ll meet someone new and start a new relationship.”
Oh, how I was soooo right. But not on the terms I was thinking. God totally wrecked me, and entered my heart there, despite my remaining doubts. “I’m your’s God”. (I don’t really know which moment was my moment of conversion, but this could’ve been it.)
I left the weekend feeling renewed. I continue researching in the same manner as I had, and constantly found more and more evidence for this God I had just experienced. I began debating people. I don’t even know why.
Whenever I had been lost in debates, I began to have doubts again. But I didn’t sit with the question in my mind. I looked for the answer. And they ALWAYS came out to be “He exists.”, “Yes, that’s Him”.
From the end of seventh grade to this point, I hadn’t liked the idea of little kids, or even teens when I thought of growing up. I felt God calling me to be a youth pastor.
“Really, God? Why? I freaking hate kids.”
Either way, I thought it was what I should strive for. So I looked into it, and started reading the Bible more, studying other religions, and simply continued my research. Eventually, as I grew in the Lord, my heart turned away from youth ministry per se.
Homosexuality. It used to be a distant and abnormal thing to me. My understanding was uninformed. I was afraid of gay people. They grossed me out, and I hated being near them. I was homophobic. Then I was saved. The homophobia lasted only a few months. I found Jesus’ teaching of pure, raw, self-sacrificial love to be much more prominent than homosexuality. I could easily explain why it’s a sin. That’s not why I’m writing. No, this is much deeper, and even surprising to some of you who might read this.
Before my fast, a certain temptation occurred. My heterosexual longings were no longer heterosexual. They were simply sexual longings. I’ve been tempted by homosexuality. More than once might I add. No, I am not gay, though God does not condemn gay people. I’m not bisexual. I am straight.
So if I’m straight, why am I having these temptations? Satan knows I’m getting closer to God. He hates it. So he decided to throw something at me that I had never personally experienced before. He thought it would throw me off God’s rocking chair. No, it just made me hold on tighter to Papa.
I hesitated to admit this to anyone, for fear of my “image”. Screw my “image”. My REAL image is in God. And God has sustained me through my temptations. His blood covers ALL. Yes, absolutely ALL. I hesitated because I know many people will ridicule me and condemn me and whatever they please. Throw it at me. I won’t be able to take it alone. But, I’ve got all of creation and an eternal God at my back. When I’m overwhelmed, He will catch me.
My view of love has not changed to match my temptations. That’d be lying. I know what and WHO true love is.
No one expected this. Neither did I. Many people would think with my “extensive biblical knowledge” that I would never get such temptations. Ha ha. That’s wrong. Anyone can be tempted anyhow. But there IS hope for that anyone.
Hello, I’m Tom Apostolacus, and I have had gay temptations. And I am STILL loved and accepted.
My actions are still not perfect, and I don’t expect them to be. But I’ve learned the significant separation of my true identity in Christ and my sin nature.
http://pressingheaven.tumblr.com/post/6923932222/confessions-and-repentance
Up until this point from my salvation, I had significantly relied on apologetics to be the expression and foundation of my faith. As of 2/11/11, I consider myself a born-again-again Christian. I wrote a paper for school on the scientific accuracy of the Bible. It was a finalizing approach to my spiritual life in knowledge. Though the paper didn’t cover everything I had learned (that would take years to put together and cite), it represented the change I began making in the core foundation and focus of my faith as of February 11, 2011. Apologetics are not a good foundation for faith, just as anything else. Christ is the only foundation that is solid enough for faith. I ended my paper with this:
The scientific accuracy of the Bible is indelible and eye-opening. It has proved accurate in its benefit to science. The Creation account, Great Flood, Jonah and the Great Fish, and the death of Jesus are all significantly accurate scientifically, as well as historically. But the historical and scientific accuracy are not as important as the spiritual significance of the Bible. God may be the artist who has painted the universe, but we can only know more about the artist by talking to him personally, not just simply looking at the beautiful works of his hands.
As of 1/1/12, I’ve embarked on a journey almost as wild, if not wilder, than the former part of my walk with God. I had become tired of the routine and ritual that leeched onto my spiritual life from the typical church, in addition to the infancy of intellectualism into which I was born.
http://pressingheaven.tumblr.com/post/16879176410/intellectualism-fails
I’m seeking the grace of God and His grace alone. It’s wild. I’ve been focusing on the supernatural rather than the physical. People want observable evidence, right? Let’s give it to them.
I’ve been experiencing more healings and miracles and prophecies than EVER because they follow those that believe.
Check out this one: I was walking around school one day after the final bell, and it was just Papa and I. I approach the lobby and I see a friend with a couple people I don’t know. One girl immediately started flirting with me, saying “You’re hot.” Knowing true love and looking her straight in the eyes, my very first words to her were “You are beautiful”. Needless to say, she experienced the presence of God. Later, she informed me that those three words instantly reversed her entire view on love. Her life has become an incredible testimony to Christ.
I expect to see more healings, prophecies, miracles, and resurrections in the name of Christ.
There are many more details into how I got to where I am today, including spiritual experiences, epiphanies, physical experiences, etc. But this is basically my testimony.
